To put it slightly differently, chemistry is the difference between having sex and making love, and my, it’s a rather big difference indeed.
If you’re having sex (an enviable position, in itself) and not making love per se, here’s what you’re doing:
1. Not Getting To Know Each Other
We’re not saying having sex isn’t an intimate act, because anything that involves getting naked together (except prison initiations) is usually quite intimate, but it’s not the same thing when you’re heavily invested in getting to know the other person. You’re hardly going to explore the contours of your partner’s body if you met them for the first time at a bar three hours ago.
2. The Transactional Nature
Sex is fun, and is coveted by both genders. So if there’s ever a scenario where two adults find each other attractive and both are willing to engage, casual sex can be an admittedly good deal for both parties involved. There’s no higher purpose however, and we’re not even going to bring evolution into this (or mention that the need to procreate has been whittled out of us through societal/anthropological changes), we’re just going to say that there’s more to it than gyration and insertion, and that a physical lustful need, when supplemented by emotional desire, affection and empathy, makes for something on an entirely different plane.
There doesn’t have to be affection for there to be foreplay, but it does help. Foreplay is all about enjoying each other’s company and building up to a crescendo of mutual desire – the kind that is supplemented by the fact that the person you’re with is the one you want to be sharing these moments with, and not just that the person you’re with is someone who happens to be there, no matter how attractive or engaging they may be.
This is perhaps a more straightforward point than the other ones, but you’re generally more inclined to be more selfless and sensitive to the other person’s needs when you’re particularly fond of them (to whatever degree) than if all the two of you are about is the sex, where each person is looking to maximize their enjoyment of the committed time. You may find a rhythm and a routine that works for the both of you, but there’s always something you discover about yourself when you put your needs aside for the other person in bed.
A popular 90’s movie pointed to the fact that men just need a warm and moist opening to orgasm, and while harsh, it isn’t quite disconnected from reality. For women, however, there is certainly a need to connect with their partners before they can get off – the majority at least, if not for all women. It isn’t a stretch that the best orgasms (yes, although we’re not going to call any orgasms unworthy) come from the times when you’re intimately, emotionally involved with your partner.
Sex is a biological release, a mighty important one at that. It’s an essential need, and it’s healthy. It’s best that both people are on the same page about this, as sex is often a highly emotional and intimate act for most people, and things can get messy when one person treats their partner as a release mechanism (it’s only flattering for a while), but the other has developed feelings.
When you’ve just finished with an intense bout of lovemaking, you’re much more likely to cuddle up together and bask in your collective, awesome glow. With sex however, a quick kiss and a tease with a promise to make next time even hotter will do. Different people prefer different things, but if you always see yourself making a move after doing the deed, instead of hanging back and sticking close, you’re having sex, not making love.