Being in a one sided love affair is a bit like the lyrics on the first two Linkin Park albums. There’s something seriously wrong but you are either unable to leave or don’t know how to get yourself out of a completely hopeless situation. But first, how do you know yours is one sided love anyway?
15 Sure-Fire Signs That Yours Is A One Sided Love Affair
A cold, sobering dose of reality.
1. Half The Relationship Is Lived In Your Head
Okay, that’s unfair. Half of all relationships are lived inside the head, but the key part here is lived, not half. If the reality of the relationship is a lot of arguing and very little good times but the vision inside your head is that it’ll sort itself all out soon, your partner will realize they can’t live without you and constantly wish to ravage your body, and you’re going to all the nice places wearing nice things and be seen together and… and…
No.
2. You’re Playing A Devilishly Hard Game
Remember Flappy Bird? It was almost as useless as Temple Run (there’s no end, you can’t win) but at least you know that there and it wasn’t toying with your emotions and psyche on a daily basis. Well, not as much as chasing an emotionally unavailable person thinking that they’ll come to their senses soon, discover your worth and how incredibly good looking you are, declare their love for you all over social media and… All the while they take up to two hours to reply to your text. And when the reply does come, it is a monosyllabic answer.
3. The Disrespect Is Toxic (And You Know It)
You do a thing hoping to get brownie points. The love of your life barely notices or openly mocks it. You lose your cool and get personal. They brush it off and make a remark that gets under your skin. You lash out and say the kind of stuff the “garbage contractors” say to each other on season 4 onwards of The Sopranos.
Compliments are withheld. Predictably muted reactions are predicted. Tempers are lost. And only one person always goes crawling back… And hates oneself (and the other person) anyway.
4. There Is Some Illegitimacy To Your Relationship
Her brother is very religious, he’s a different caste, she’s from a different state, his skin colour is different, her family doesn’t like her seeing people (you), he can’t let his friends know he’s dating anyone… You get the gist?
And only one person (you) doesn’t seem to give a sh*t about any of that. Love is supposed to transcend all these trivialities, or at least bring the two of you resolutely together to annihilate them and carve out a loving future together. It’s not supposed to be one person making excuses to emotionally manipulate the other.
5. You Chat/Text/Skype All The Time But Were Almost In The Same State Once
Yeah. Look, there’s nothing wrong with that and things often take time to develop and all that good stuff, but if this has been happening for months and you’re no closer to convincing your lover that maybe a weekend in Goa might be a possibility… it’s a complete scam. You’re being used and it’s going to simultaneously break you into a million pieces and enrage you. And that’s a really awful state of being.
6. Your “Relationship” Is A Secret
Why? Like 99% of the time you’re being properly played and it’s going to be brutal when you realize it.
7. Co-Dependency
Your definition of yourself includes your partner. Your hobbies include waiting for his/her call, timing exactly how late he/she replied (so you can do the same), wondering where he/she is now and thinking about why he/she didn’t call you there. Just a disaster. Get a life, get a hobby, get the hell out.
8. It’s Like Crack Cocaine Infused With Heroin
You just want a hit in between the 900 minutes of fighting, gas-lighting, arguing and silent treatment that will follow. There are other girls. There are other boys. There are other things. But you just long to get back to that one high – that one hour when everything seems alright.
9. You’re Extremely Attracted To Them (And Convinced You Wont Be “Gettable” To Anyone Else)
You’re not stupid. You are just stuck in a tragic love story.
10. You Can’t Talk About A Single Damn Thing
And I mean nothing. They’re so damn stupid but so good looking. Their views are archaic at best, ungodly stupid at worst, and yet they’re so lovely, especially when they put that perfume on. Yes, that one.
Their food choices are shit, their politics are best never discussed, they don’t like dogs(?!) and they have the cranial capacity of a prepubescent goldfish. And yet…
11. Your Feelings Oscillate Between Wanting To Strangle Them And Ravaging Their Glistening Nude Bodies
Often within minutes of each other. Uh oh.
12. But Still, Fights Are The Norm
You constantly fight and it’s not pretty. In fact, it’s an incredibly sad game of one-upmanship that the both of you (or just you) seem to be playing. It’s incredibly unhealthy and is no good.
13. Your Self-Esteem And Confidence Are Completely Shot
There’s no joke here, it’s a pretty pathetic way to live.
14. Everyone (Including That Internet Forum You Once Bared All To) Thinks You Should Break The F*&# Up
And they think you should have done it, like yesterday.
15. They Don’t Give A Sh*t About The Relationship (And You Know It)
This is the real deal. You’ve heard them complain about how their cousin scored low in 10th exams and how their uncle (the cousin’s dad is upset), which is why your beloved is sullen. Meaning they are capable of feeling. Just not for your relationship.
It’s not like you haven’t tried to bring all the problems to the fore – only to be ignored.
It’s not like you lost your cool the very first day.
It’s not like you were stressed out 24/7 before.
You never used to apologize this much.
You know in your heart they don’t give a single combined cr*p about you or the relationship.
And that’s just not on. It’s just not. So what are you going to do about it?
The 10 Step Plan To Get Out Of One Sided Love
1. Step One – Acceptance
This isn’t some special conspiracy the universe has chosen to burden you with. You’re just pining for someone who isn’t that into you (or rather not at all into you).
2. Step Two – Realization
Realize that cutting loose such a person from your life is an excellent and healthy move – like kicking the butt or cutting down on how many times you make it to McDonald’s in a week. Yes, they’re gorgeous and in demand and occasionally let you touch them (there, no less), but… But, if you were as blessed as you think you are, the relationship wouldn’t be the unmitigated disaster that it is.
3. Step Three – Understanding
Understand a few key things – time heals all wounds, and you have (for all your planning) no idea what is about to happen in a few months’ time.
4. Step Four – “Winning”
Winning a breakup is something that happens more in the movies and on TV; right now you just need to get the hell out of something fairly toxic. So don’t expect closure, but for sure try and say what you have to without expecting too much of a reaction because this time you’re being “serious.”
5. Step Five – Moving On
Say your goodbye and don’t keep checking your email every 10 min (after the first week, fine). Do stuff, meet people, live your life, even if it’s an uninteresting life that occasionally finds crumbs of comfort, and sprinklings of laughter, fun and debauchery. Hold your head up high.
6. Step Six – This Too Shall Pass
The urge to weep uncontrollably and then send a long and emotional text – followed by a long and emotional phone call because the text got no reply – is an exercise that’s futile and fairly cringe-worthy, but most of all most unhelpful. Treat them like any other craving, it will pass with time.
7. Step Seven – Only Fools Rush Back In
No new relationships too soon, no matter if that boy/girl is “perfect.” Take some “me” time.
8. Step Eight – Reflection
There will be memories, tears, anger, shame, regret, longing. Feel them all, act on none.
9. Step Nine – Recovery
Start to rebuild your self-esteem by realizing you’re not an unlovable piece of sh*t, you were just in a terrible relationship. Happens to the best, and well, to the rest of us too.
10. Step Ten – Regain Your Self Worth
Once you love yourself again, you’ll realize that was the issue all along and that you’re never going to be in a similar situation again because you’re a reasonable human being, you value yourself and you’re not desperate. And the other party’s terms are quite dodgy too.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Some frequently asked questions on the topic:
Q: Why me?
Ans: It’s not just you, billions have been through it before. The short answer is because you allowed it to happen.
Q: Can I ever forget them (No, I can’t!)?
Ans: What if you won a million dollars tomorrow? Okay, bad answer. Real answer: Think about your self-respect, your shadow of an existence and think long and hard about the answer yourself.
Q: Can they ever change?
Ans: Decide which time-line you would like to live in, the here and now (based on hard facts and data, you’re not giving up after one month are you?) or some fantasy time-line that is a product of your over-active, hopeful imagination?
Q: They don’t love me so I must be hideously ugly! I’m so sh*t at everything! (Not a question)
Ans: Maybe. Probably even. Does it matter? Socrates was famously hideous, yet universities across the globe study his work. Is your soon-to-be ex going to share that fate? Also, lots of very good looking people were entirely terrible scum of the earth human beings, and are reviled by history. Also, looks fade, just like your theirs will as well, then what will you love?
Don’t be silly. Rock your face and body with pride, you are the result of billions of years of evolution and a man/woman of substance, besides just a pretty (yes, you are) face. No more rubbish excuses any more.
Q: What were they thinking? Why did they hate me? What did I do? I must have made a mistake… How can I win them over?
Ans: What they’ve done has got you asking ridiculous questions, think about it. How are you supposed to know? And they’re supposed to tell you instead of keeping you in the dark, eroding all trust and generally playing with your emotions. What would you do (not to them) for God’s sake? Exactly!
Q: Is revenge a good idea?
Ans: It’s a terrible idea.
Q: Why should I forgive them and move on?
Ans: What else are you going to do? You have a life to live and you’ve given them enough time.
Q: Okay, so how do I get over the feeling of wasted time?
Ans: By using your time now on productive, rewarding things instead of worrying about useless stuff.
Now go on forth and do the right thing. If I could, so can you. And feel free to drop a comment if you have any other questions.