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First Time Sex Bloopers: True Story!

You must have been extremely nervous. You must have thought ‘Oh my god, what have I gotten myself into? Should I make eye contact? Should I be kissing her when we’re doing it?’ So many questions, but no answers. That’s because, there are no answers. Sex for the first time is like a blooper reel from a comedy show. Really. Don’t trust me? Read on and enjoy the bloopers.

1. Taking Off The Covers

It’s like that dream where you’re running naked through campus and everyone’s watching and you can’t stop it. Except, you can stop it but you choose not to. So, you jump under the covers and close your eyes shut.

2. Start

Where do you start? You don’t know. So you start by kissing. Simple. But kiss on the lips or where? So, you fumble.

3. Heated Engine

You’ve been waiting for a long time. Your engine is overheated and you are about to burst. But you still don’t know what goes where.

4. 1st Gear

And then, you shift into first gear. You start to get comfortable. You realise that you can take your time. So, you go to first base but you go too hard. And it becomes uncomfortable again.

5. 2nd Gear

You say, screw first base. And you shift down into second gear. You go for it. But you don’t know which way to go. Left or right?

6. 3rd Gear

You decide that you are going to stay on second base for a while. But you grab too hard. And there’s a squirm. You’ve never heard that sound before. So, you don’t know if it is a good sign or a bad one. However, you keep going; which is good.

7. 4th Gear

And then, all of a sudden, your hand finds a soft landing. Till this point, it’s been wandering all around in the darkness, but you find the right spot. What do you do now?

8. 5th Gear

You know you want to go to third base. So, you shift up to fifth gear and move down but you don’t find the parking spot as easily as you did with your hand. Embarrassed, you ask for help and you receive it with compliments.

9. Home Base

Parking spot found! Eureka! But what do you do now? You ask your partner again. Both of you have no clue. So, you decide to park the old fashioned way. Shift from 5th gear into 1st and then reverse. And you keep at it for a while. Or you think it’s been a while but it’s only been a couple of minutes.

10. You Win

You win. You finished first. You parked well. Now, you realise that there’s champagne flowing out of the bottle.

11. Reverse

What now? You don’t know. So you put the vehicle in reverse to go again. However, you notice that the engine has already shut down and there’s nothing you can do. So, you put on your trunks, grab the rest of your clothes and run like hell.

True Story!

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